Computers were invented to do Genealogy

Did you hear about the young lady genealogy computer addict who said she wasn’t going to have any children because it takes nine months to download them?(D)ivorce (P)roceedings (S)tarted – Modem named as respondent!A computer is a typewriter with an attitude.Multi-tasking: Reading your family tree in the bathroomComputer Genealogy: working out where your computer came from.FAM_TREE.LST not found. Create new genealogist? (Y/n)I have to stop now. My fingers are getting hoarse!”I had quite a problem making a GEDCOM transfer of one of my ancestors into another genealogy program. Things got so bad I had to give him mouse to mouse resuscitation!”Death is just nature’s way of dropping the carrier.Genealogists do it with a computer.If only ancestors came with pull-down menus and on-line help…My life has become one large GEDCOM!!New mail not found. Start whine-pout sequence? (Y/N)Not tonight dear, I’m loading in Family Tree Maker 7.0!PAF the Magic Dragon: a carriage to the past.Ancestor files – a meeting place of cousins!Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any KeyBuy a 750 mhz Pentium III so you can reboot faster.2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.{——– The information went data way ——–}Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compressionBREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not RespondingBad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”… File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .Who is General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…SYSTEM ERROR: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYSPress any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…Minnesota/Wisconsin Guide to computer terminologyLOG ON : making da vood stove hotterLOG OFF : don’t add voodMONITOR : keep an eye on da vood stoveMEGAHERTZ : vhen a big log drops on your barefoot in da morninFLOPPY DISK : vhat you get from piling too much voodRAM : da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vorkHARD DRIVE : getting home during most of da vinterPROMPT : vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow seasonENTER : come on inWINDOWS : vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 degrees below 0SCREEN : vhat is a must during mosquito seasonCHIP : vhat ya munch during da Vikings gamesMICROCHIP : vhat’s left in da bag vhen da chips are goneMODEM : vhat ya did to da hay fields last YulyDOT MATRIX : Sven Matrix’s vifeLAPTOP : vhere da grandkids sitKEYBOARD : vhere ya suppose to put da keys so da Misses can find emSOFTWARE : da plastic picnic utensils, ya?MOUSE : vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboardMAINFRAME : da part of da sauna that holds up da roofPORT : vhere da commericial fishin boats dockRANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can’t remember how much ya spent on a new deer rifle vhen da vife asks about it.
It’s Time You
 Turn Your Computer
Off If  . . .
You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.You name your first two children “Eudora” and “Dotcom.”You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you’d just pulled the plug on a loved one.You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.You start using smileys in your snail mail.You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.comYou can’t call your mother; she doesn’t have a modem.You check your mail. It says “no new messages”; so you check it again.You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.You tell the cab driver you live at start tilting your head sideways to smile.
To My Darling Husband . . .Dear John          I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you will be sure to read it.  Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your new computer entered our lives two years ago.
         The children are doing well.  Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy.  He has developed quite an interest in the arts.  He drew a family portrait for a school project.  All the figures were good, but yours was excellent!  The chair and the back of your head are very realistic.  You would be proud of him.
          Little Jennifer turned three in September.  She looks a lot like you did at that age.  She is an attractive child and quite smart.  She still remembers you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday.  What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact it was stormy and the electricity was out.
          I am also doing well.  I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover it really is more fun.  Lars — I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.  I have discovered that household chores are much easier since I realized you don’t mind being vacuumed around, although that feather duster does make you sneeze.  The house is in good shape.  I had the living room painted last spring.  I’m not sure if you noticed it.  I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn’t smother.
          Well, dear, I must be going.  Uncle Lars – Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do.  I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away.  She’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, – just the way you like it.  I hope you and your computer have a lovely time while we are gone.
          Tommy, Jen and I think of you often – try to remember us while your disks are booting.Love, MaryReprinted from Chart and Quill, Vol. 14, No. 3 – 1996: periodical of the Northeastern Nevada Genealogical Society.Computer Genealogists Prayer
— Author Unknown

Every evening
As I’m laying here in bed
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head.

God bless my mom and dad,
And bless my little pup,
And look out for my brother
When things aren’t looking up.

And God, there’s one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope ya don’t mind me asking,
But please bless my ‘puter too??Now I know that’s not normal
To bless a mother board,
But just listen a second
While I explain to you, my Lord.You see that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends.
Inside those small compartments
Rest hundred of my “best friends.”

Some, it’s true, I’ve never seen,
And most, I’ve never met.
We’ve never exchanged hugs
Or shared a meal as yet.

I know for sure they like me
By the kindness that they give.
And this little scrap of metal
Is how I travel to where they live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you.
I share in what life brings them,
From that our friendship grew.

Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above
To bless this scrap of metal
That’s filled with so much love.
You’re over thirty if . . . A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that just really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d surely be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

NOTE:  This is certainly a poem for anyone over thirty.
However, it should also be restricted to persons under sixty
because the words gig, keyboard, CD, and virus, did not exist
in one’s everyday vocabulary, and one did not compress garbage


Jeanealogy: the study of LEVIS and WRANGLERS.

Yikes! My genes are faded and full of holes!

I’m not sick, I’ve just got fading genes.

Oxymoron: relaxed genes.

Biochemists wear designer genes.

My genes are so tight, they may stay with me forever.


modern mother is explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album. “This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here’s your sperm donor and your father’s clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo. The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt, she’s the family genealogist.”