Skeletons/Tangled Web

1. I would not allow this relative to breed.
2. This relative is really not so much of a has-been as a won't be.
3. Works well under constant supervision or when cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there. He would be out of his depth in a parking-lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. This relative is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. This relative should go far....and the sooner he goes, the better. Has moss growing on her north side.
9. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching. 
11. A room temperature I.Q. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
13. A photographic memory, but with the lens cap glued on.
14. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. Bright as Alaska in December. 
16. One-celled organisms outscore her IQ tests.
17. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
18. FELL out of the family tree.
20. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
21. Has two brains: One is lost, the other is out looking for it.
22. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 
24. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change back.
25. He's so dense, light bends around him. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but she only gargled.
27. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
    

    ---

You Know You Are a Proud Part of Your Family Tree If . . .

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your Dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.